Typing “monster high wholesale” into Google yields some pretty hilarious results. Keep in mind, on the website where I found all of these, they bore the title “Monster High” in their direct links and descriptions, so this isn’t just me finding random cheap toys with no connection to Monster High and loling about them at four in the morning in the dark. Except for that last part, that’s true. It is pretty dark in here.

Anyway.

First we have the reject Bratz dolls (which look like a direct re-mold, or someone’s taking the time to buy actual Bratz dolls and painstakingly reroot them, which I doubt), packaged in pseudo-MH boxes and loosely styled to resemble Mad Science Lagoona and Dead Tired Draculaura …

… Dawn of the Dance Cleo and Gloom Beach Draculaura …

… and Skull Shores Ghoulia and Gloom Beach … Jackson?

Next is this inexplicably creature, which looks like a Moxie remold, and doesn’t strictly resemble any specific Monster High character (and thank god for that cuz lawd is she tacky) but you can see that “Halloween Queen” has an awfully familiar-looking box design.

Now this batch here cracks me right the fuck up, because they can’t even seem to decide which doll line they’re knocking off. Other than Monster High, of course. You’ve got your Bratz-headed Draculaura and Frankie and then a Liv Clawdeen in the middle. Not gonna lie, tho, I like the idea of Draculaura with big, fluffy, all-pink hair.

And last but not least it looks like we’ve got some genuine Monster High head remolds! Stuck on some truly terrifying noodle bodies and every single one of them named Lagoona Blue. And are those … Littlest Pet Shop pets? How bad a person does it make me that I kind of dig the Fauxfrankie in the middle? She looks a bit like the upcoming CAM witch. I dig her green.

So there you have it. And as a palate cleanser after all that fug, he’s a picture of my beloved and definitely not-a-knock-off Rochelle, who arrived this morning by way of an unbirthday present. Isn’t she just the purtiest little thing?